This is part 2 of Esther's Birth Story series. You can read Part 1 here.
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I didn't want to have a home birth. In fact, the thought of it actually terrified me.
When I was newly pregnant this time around, my Midwife's new Birth Cottage was in the very early stages of being completely gutted and remodeled, so that ruled out my first choice of giving birth at a Birthing Center. My other option was to give birth at the local hospital and have my Midwife be there, but I was very adamant that I was not going to give birth in a hospital again. Plus, I was determined to have my Midwife be the one to see me through labor and delivery, not some random doctor assigned to me at the hospital. So that left me with having a home birth as my best option. It took me a few months to accept this idea, and before I was 100% okay with it, I asked my Midwife A LOT of questions to help put my mind and heart at peace.
First and foremost, I wanted to make sure that my baby and I would be completely safe in case of an emergency. Making sure that safety would be absolutely guaranteed is at the very top of the list of non-negotiables after losing my firstborn to stillbirth. I was so happy to hear that my Midwife was completely prepared for emergency situations, and she was so kind to go over the plan of what that looked like with me, if an emergency were to arise. Everyone on my birth team knew what their role was in said plan, and that alone lifted a ton of stress off of my shoulders.
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Being the planner that I am, I nested big time leading up to my due date. Everything was organized in the nursery, my birth tub and birthing area was set up in our bedroom ready to go, I had stocked up on labor food, and lots of coconut water for electrolytes during labor. You name it, I organized it! Two days before my due date, in an effort to jumpstart labor, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing my kitchen floor and shower. It didn't work (which was a bummer), but I certainly had a sparkly shower and floor!
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Esther's due date, November 13th, came and went just like any other day. I honestly didn't expect her to come early, or even on time. That last week of pregnancy leading up to my due date seemed to go in slow motion, and then every day after it felt even slower. Seth came nearly 2 weeks after his due date, so I literally know what it feels to be pregnant for 10 months. Let it be noted that Seth, 3.5 years later, still does things his own way and in his own time ;)
I had been having prodromal labor for a couple of weeks, but I knew the Braxton Hicks I was experiencing weren't real labor contractions; they weren't "hard enough", or painful enough. Here's a really cool graphic that I found on Google explaining the different stages of labor:
Exactly one week after my due date came and went, I woke up with a start at 4:04 AM on November 20th to my first mild contraction. It felt too much like a true labor contraction to be a Braxton Hicks, so I kept a half-asleep eye on it. With my last two pregnancies, I never experienced what going into labor naturally felt like (I had only experienced medical induction to get labor going), so I wasn't sure what all to expect physically. 4:14 AM brought contraction #2, then contraction #3 came at 4:28 AM. I had an inkling that this could very well be labor coming on, so I tried to rest as much as I could. An hour later, I sent a text to my Doula, Christy, to let her know I had been having mild, but steady, contractions for an hour. We texted back and forth for a few minutes, and I checked back in with her at 6:30 AM. I was still having them, and they were about 15 minutes apart now. They were starting to hurt, but the pain level was manageable.
At 7:30 AM, Christy texted me to say that she was on her way! She so kindly offered to bring me some food for labor, and I requested a Chonga bagel ( because duh). At this point, I'm starting to get really excited. I texted my best friends in our group chat and asked them to pray for me, and, of course, I let my mom know what was going on. All of this was happening while Adam was sleeping. I woke him up around 7:40 and told him that I was pretty sure we were going to have a baby soon.
"What, like tomorrow?" he asked, half-dazed.
"No," I said "like tonight.”
My gut knew we were going to have a baby by the end of the day.
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8:30 AM saw the arrival of Christy at our place. We sat and chatted for a while at our kitchen table; everything was so delightful and peaceful. The calm before the furious and physical storm of labor. My parents, along with Seth, packed up and went to a friend's house for the day while they awaited the big news. I bounced on the birthing ball and ate my Chonga bagel. We counted my contractions and saw that they were steady and predictable - hurray! When my body got too comfortable with the birth ball, Christy had me doing stretches and small lunges to open up my hips. A few hours passed, and I graduated to walking up and down the stairs, which totally worked with helping my body with dilation. I can't even tell you how many times I walked/lunged up and down those stairs, but I’ll never look at them the same again!
At 1:20 PM Terah, my Midwife, arrived at my house and checked my cervix to see if I've dilated. This is my first cervical check of my pregnancy. One thing that I really appreciated about my Midwife and the way that I was cared for is that visits and check-ups are very non-invasive. I didn't feel pressured into doing something that was considered a "routine check", and I was always very informed about what was going on and what was happening to my body. After a quick and painless cervical check, I found out that I was 4 cm dilated. Cervical dilation, from how I understand it, isn't the essential key to knowing how quickly your labor is coming along. You could be dilated to 5 cm for a week and labor could be no where in sight. So, take heart, all you new Mamas out there! Your dilation number is basically just information for you to have, it's not the ultimate predictor of labor happening soon. Your body knows what to do and when to do it. It was created for this.
From this time onward to the moment of birth, the concept of time completely escaped me. While a few events stick out from memory, I am so glad that I had a Doula that was tracking things for me, and I am especially thankful for the Midwives that took extensive notes about my progression of labor and then delivery.
I remember laboring over the side of my bed while my contractions grew more intense. I was sitting on the birth ball listening to some calm worship music. With each contraction growing more painful and closer together, I was feeling tremendously vulnerable and emotionally fragile. At this point, memories of Aaron's birth were flooding my mind. Some of the explicit details of his birthday have left my memory, but I still remember the emotional pain perfectly. These were on a loop replaying in my mind as my labor progressed closer to transition. Labor is such a mental game for me. Mind over matter - having the need to get my baby out no matter how worn out or utterly exhausted I am - is what has gotten me through every time.
With wave after wave of contractions coming, I found myself crying out for all of my babies.
For Aaron: I wish I could've held him in my arms as he cried. Instead, he was silent. He was placed in a plastic crib and rolled out of my room, and I never got to see him again. I sang him songs, I rubbed his face and kissed him as many times as I could. I just wanted him to be here with me so badly.
For Seth: My rainbow baby, my miracle that I had cried out to God for. His delivery was so healing to my soul. His smile and laughter brings so much joy to my heart. I didn't know the depth of love that my heart possessed until I met my precious baby boy.
For Esther: the little sister on her way and yet to be born. The best little surprise. She was so close to arriving, and with her here, I knew my heart would have another spot that would be healed just by her presence.
As physically weak and emotionally exhausted as I felt at this point, I was determined to do whatever it took to get Esther out alive. Because, in my mind, as soon as she was born, as soon as she was safe in my arms, I didn't have to worry anymore. Because I didn't have that moment with Aaron. His sweet little body was here in my arms, but his precious soul was with Jesus in Heaven.
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As my contractions started becoming more intense and closer together, it was time for Christy and Adam to start filling up the birth tub with water. Earlier that week, I had checked to make sure that our hot water tank had enough water to fill the tub adequately, and even asked my dad and husband to make sure everything was ready for the day of birth. When the water was turned on, flowing through the hose to the tub, which was filled about 1/3 of the way, I remember hearing someone say, "Oh no. This water is cold already!" So, between my painful contractions, Adam was bailing water out of our bedroom window (this makes me laugh every time I think about it), and boiling water on the stove. He tells me that he worked that stove, with pots on every burner, and our electric kettle that was nonstop boiling. The funny part about all of this was when I would start to have a painful contraction, whoever was in the room had to stop what they were doing and help support me through the pain. I had a scarf tied tightly around my belly for support, as well as for relief during contractions. At the height of a contraction, someone would pull back and lift the scarf as tightly as they could. Oh, what sweet relief! As soon as the contraction was over, back to the water situation my helper went! Thinking back on it now, it must have been a funny situation to watch. Adam and Christy were such troopers through it all.
I started having some major contractions that had me vocalizing at around 4 PM. Up until the point, I was able to grunt my way through my contractions and continue talking fairly quickly after it had passed. But with these intense labor contractions coming, I knew Esther was coming soon. Laboring is very odd in that you lose all concept of time, while you feel semi-conscious, but also very aware about certain things happening around you. One thing I remember happening while in the tub was that Adam was coming back and forth from our kitchen to our bedroom with boiling water for the tub. One time he was pouring water near me and the warmth of the water hit my aching submerged hips and it was like instant relief. I wish my hips could feel that way all the time!
Terah and her assistant Midwife, Brittany, had arrived just after 5 PM. When I heard both of their very calm voices, I knew it was almost show time. Esther's heart rate was checked while I was laboring over the bed, and shortly there after I moved to the tub. Labor really started picking up about 45 minutes after their arrival. I have a few pictures of this stage of labor that they took for me, and I cannot believe how h u m o n g o u s I was. I also can't believe that I was able to get my legs hiked up high enough to get in to the tub. At this point, I was in so much pain, just the thought of having relief for my hips and lower back was what got me in to that tub! When my hips felt the warmth of the water for the first time, it was amazing. My contractions had been in my hips and very low back much of the day, and the weightlessness of the water, as well as not having to deal with gravity, was such a welcome relief.
In total, I labored in the birthing tub for 58 minutes. The whole time I was hanging over the side of the pool. I remember screaming as loudly as I could because of the pain, but it wasn't until I focused on pushing and grunting that I physically made progress while pushing. Sometimes I will try to put into words to Adam how excruciating the pain is while in labor without drugs, and the best description that I can come up with is that your hip bones feel like they are going to snap in two while someone is continuously sawing at them.
Why did you go natural, then, if you could have had drugs to help with the pain? I'm sure someone is thinking this while they are reading this post. I wanted the absolute best for my baby, and, to me personally, that meant that I didn't want any type of drugs in either of our bodies during labor and after birth. I could not believe how aware both Seth and Esther were immediately after birth, and I really think it had to do with the fact that I didn't opt for any drugs.
NOW, if you're reading this and you did have a medicated birth, there is no shame whatever for doing that. Everyone's pain tolerance level is different, and that's totally 100% okay. I had a medicated birth with my first, and I'm really glad that I did. I don't know how I would have done what I needed to do in that situation without the drugs.
It was really a true sacrifice for me to give birth unmedicated, AGAIN. But my kids are completely worth it to me. Laying down my life for them started the moment I found out that I found out I was pregnant, all the way through labor and delivery, and it will continue for the rest of my life. Not a moment of it is easy, though, let me tell you. It takes so much grace and patience to put them first on a daily basis. Thankfully for me, Jesus is full of both of these things and helps me every. single. time. I need Him to.
(In the tub 34 minutes before Esther was born)
The rest of my labor continued as follows:
6:19 PM - I called on Jesus for help. At this point, I was 100% done and ready to give up. I remember shouting, "I can't do this! I CAN'T!" I physically had zero energy left. Jesus was the one and only thing that got me through Esther's birth.
6:24 - I began pushing
6:39 - 3 cm of Esther's head is born
6:46 - Esther Sarai Hoffman is born while kneeling!
I cannot come up with adequate enough words to describe this moment. It was absolutely one of the best moments of my life. I had done what I had at one time deemed impossible for me to do. My reward was that I had my daughter in my arms.
Esther Sarai Hoffman
She had all 10 fingers and 10 toes, a head full of hair, and she was alive and breathing. Those first moments after birth are absolute best feelings in the whole entire world. Nothing else on this earth will ever be able to top it. One of the Bible verses that I had taped up around my birthing tub for encouragement was Hebrews 12:2b: "For the joy set before Him he endured the cross [...]" Jesus knew what awaited Him on the cross. The pain, the agony, the suffering. And yet He chose to endure it for our sake. My encouragement in reading this verse is that He still went through it all for me. Even if I was the only human on the face of the Earth, he would have endured it just for me. Jesus knew that His sacrifice and death was the only thing that would be able to bring us back to right relationship with God the Father. His love was what kept me going. His unending and never-ending love.
