The day I found out that I was pregnant with Esther I went to a tea party.
On the way to the venue, I had to sit in the front seat because I had been experiencing extreme motion sickness in the weeks prior. Even that day, I felt queazy the entire way there, which wasn't helpful since I was the co-pilot. Looking back now, it all makes sense as to why this was happening, but I thought that I was experiencing really bad allergies that year. That night after the tea party, Adam and I were hanging out on the couch. I mentioned to him the queasiness that I had been feeling that day, and that I was a couple of days late on my period. My body is fairly predictable, and I can usually tell when something is "off". He went to the store to get me some pregnancy tests (and probably some ice cream, too) and I took the test as soon as he got home. I was expecting to see a negative result, but in the back of my mind, I remembered that I was experiencing the same early pregnancy symptoms that I had with both Aaron and Seth.
As I stood waiting in the bathroom for the pregnancy test results, I was excited, nervous, and jittery. The 3 minutes of waiting for the test to be completed always feels like 3 hours. When I looked down and saw those two pink positive lines, I was speechless. We weren't trying for a baby. Still stunned, I walked back to the living room where Adam was.
"Guess what", I said as I held up the pregnancy test. "We're having a baby."
I still remember that moment so clearly. I was so in shock and excited that I was half-laughing/chuckling like it was a joke and we were in a dream reality. We both couldn't believe it.
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6 months earlier, I had been by myself on a beach watching the sunset, praying for the Lord to give us another baby. My heart felt ready for another; that our family wasn't yet complete. This alone was a huge milestone for me. After Seth was born, I had several anxiety attacks just thinking about being pregnant again and having another baby. I remember one such episode made my left arm semi-paralyzed for about 45 minutes. It was really terrifying.
So, for me to go from debilitating anxiety attacks to having my heart know full well that our family wasn't yet complete was a huge bridge of faith for me to walk across. I remember walking back to our hotel from that beautiful beach feeling very sad and lonely. There was a war going on inside of me, between my head and my heart. That seems to always happen to me. My head has always shouted that I can take care of things myself and that I know best. But my heart is the one that is whispers, "Remember how God has always taken care of you in the past? He has been, and will be, so faithful to you. Trust His timing on this one." So I did the hard thing and listened to my heart. It's not easy for me to let go of such a huge desire and to fully and completely trust that God will take care of it in His timing. What if His timing means 5 years from now? As I am still learning, then those 5 years will be years that I learned to trust Him, and learned to be content in the process. The next morning, as I was sitting out on our hotel room's deck drinking coffee and journaling, I felt so much peace and confidence in the decision that I had made to simply trust God.
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Before I was even pregnant, I was researching Midwives in my area, just for fun. I admit, I'm a planner - almost to a fault sometimes. I like to know the big plan and all of the details that go along with it. So, in my mind, whenever the time did come that I found myself pregnant, I would have already done the research! As Forrest Gump so eloquently said, "One less thang." I've briefly mentioned before about my choosing Midwifery care over a OB/GYN for my pregnancy with Esther. It was honestly one of the best decisions I have ever made. To be heard and listened to, acknowledged, and truly cared for meant SO much to me. I didn't feel like I was just the next client to be seen on the waiting list. My Midwife, Terah, always gave me her full attention and best care whenever I was in her office. Our second appointment together was when we listened to Esther's heartbeat for the first time. As I laid back on the couch, I could feel my anxiety rising by the second. Would she be able to find my baby's heartbeat? There has been a lingering voice in the back of my head since I lost Aaron; this voice tries to scare me with What Ifs and replays of things that could possibly go wrong because things have gone wrong for me in the past. I really try my best to not give in and listen to that voice - it doesn't rule me or dictate the outcome of events in my life at all.
Thinking back on that day, it seemed to take a bit longer to find a heartbeat than I was comfortable with. When she did find it, I started sobbing. The joy that filled my heart was indescribable. My baby was alive, and the sound of its heartbeat was the most incredible sound in the world to me. I was crying so much, that we lost the placement of the heartbeat because my stomach was bobbing up and down! You can't really see it in this picture, but my mascara is all messed up from crying!
If anyone is local to the Auburn/Enumclaw/Bonney Lake (WA) area, I could not recommend my Midwife, Terah Lara, at Foothills Midwifery & Birth Cottage any higher. She is so knowledgeable, genuinely kind, meticulous and passionate about her work, and is so caring about her clients and their babies.
All three of our babies have been due to be born in November. Once I did the math, I figured out that Esther's estimated due date was November 13th. Four days after Seth's Due date (11/9), whose due date was four days before Aaron's due date (11/5). I PROMISE that we didn't plan it that way! God just really likes to give us babies with November due dates. Being pregnant and due in November has meant that I have carried around each of my babies on my birthday for three of the last five years. This has meant so much to me. It's one little thing that I get to share with them all. This past year while I was carrying Esther in my womb, we were on a family vacation in New Jersey visiting family & then went on a day trip to New York City the day after my birthday. It was such a fun time! I love that I get to tell Esther all about the fun trip we took Back East while she was still growing in my tummy. You can read about my NYC trip here & here.
On the Brooklyn Bridge (12 weeks pregnant with Esther)
Since my all of my babies' due dates have been within days of each other, I have also been pregnant during all of the same holidays AND for three summers out of the last five years. Yikes. Actually, let me drive that home: three of the HOTTEST summers we've had in years, and two of those three summers I was wearing a head-to-toe black uniform while I worked at Starbucks. Double yikes. When I was pregnant with Seth and we still lived in an apartment, I bought a little kiddie pool for myself just so I could lay in it on our back patio and cool off. I'm pretty creative and clever when I need to be.
(Summer 2015. Pregnant with Seth here)
Comparing my pregnancy with Esther to my pregnancy with Seth is a total night and day difference. With Seth, I was severely depressed and extremely anxious, having just lost his brother less than a year before. While carrying Esther, I felt those extremely dark emotions trying to creep back up on me, but rarely did they take over. I felt much more equipped to deal with them this time. I was able to identify them and do something about them (pray!) before they got out of control. I felt so much peace while carrying her. And how timely that God gave me a word for the year (2018) that was "Seek Peace & Pursue It" (Psalm 34:14b). I don't think a day went by that I wasn't reminded to seek God's peace. And not just to seek peace itself, but to seek Jesus, because He is the Prince of Peace. Having this verse to dwell on and pray over myself during my pregnancy was such an anchor for my heart - it was something that gave me hope despite what my crazy emotions and raging hormones were trying to tell me.
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I am very blessed to report that my pregnancy with Esther was very uneventful. Everything went as smooth as I had been praying for. With Seth, I was in and out of multiple doctors offices and hospital rooms for scans and ultrasounds, given my history with his brother, Aaron. I only had two ultrasounds done with Esther (by choice), one somewhere between 11-14 weeks, and the last one was at 19 weeks for her anatomy ultrasound. Both Adam and Seth came with me to the hospital for the ultrasound that day to find out if we were going to have a third brother or a little sister. When the ultrasound tech showed us the very definite lady parts on the ultrasound screen, I exclaimed, "I KNEW IT!!!" so loudly and quickly that Adam didn't even hear what the tech had said. Oops, sorry honey! He said that he knew we were having a girl by my reaction. I had been having such vivid dreams of having a girl. Plus, my gut just knew it. Definitely Mama's intuition ;)
