This is not meant to be a blog post to condemn or belittle, but to shed light on some of the things that I’ve found to be true about God in my own life. This post has been running over and over in my head for a while now, and I felt like it needed to be shared.
I feel that I am a very black or white person: either something’s right, or it’s wrong; just as it is either day or it is night - there’s no second guessing if the sun is out and shining. As I’ve gotten older, I feel that this trait has become more apparent in my life. When my son died 3.5 years ago, I was faced with a crucial decision to make: I could either blame God for what had happened and turn my back on Him, or choose to believe that He is what I’ve been saying He is for my whole life - my Redeemer, my Healer, my Friend, and then cling to Him in my pain.
“At this point many of His disciples turned away and deserted Him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know You are the Holy One of God.’” (John 6:66-69, NLT)
It truly hurts my heart to see so many people, even some of my friends, turn away from Jesus when they’re in deep pain and turmoil. Jesus knows exactly what it feels like and has been through such intense pain and turmoil Himself, too, more than any of us will ever know.
“‘Father, if You are willing, please take away this cup of horror from me. But I want Your will, not mine.’ Then an angel from Heaven appeared and strengthened Him, for He was in such agony of spirit that He broke into a sweat of blood, with great drops falling to the ground as He prayed more and more earnestly.” (Luke 22:42b-44, TLB)
The Bible is not just a collection of “nice stories” and “good moral ideas” that seem nice when you feel like obeying them, it is the absolute truth from God Himself. Some people may not like to hear that, especially in this day and age when “right” and “wrong” are so backward and upside down from what God says is right and wrong.
I’m not sure where I’d be right now in my life if I had chosen not to press into God when I was grieving over my son. Those moments of overwhelming depression and anxiety could have very likely consumed me if I didn’t have solid truths to repeat over and over to myself. It was those truths and promises that I had to choose to believe, even if it felt like it took everything out of me to do so.
“[...] God is love.” (1 John 4:8b, NIV)
“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." (Deuteronomy 31:6, NLT)
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23, ESV)
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
I chose to sing those songs of worship to God through my tears, even if I didn’t believe every word I was singing at the moment. Looking back, it’s almost like my heart could see forward into the future and kept telling me, “You will believe these words again some day. Just keep singing them until you do.”
Reading through the Psalms also brought me a lot of comfort in my grief. David, the author of most of the Psalms, is a great example of sharing what’s on your heart and your true feelings with God. My prayer for those who are reading this post is that if you are feeling overwhelmed like I have just described, that you would find a few moments to read the Psalms and be comforted by them. They’re all fairly short and easy to read, especially when read in The Message (MSG) or The Living Bible (TLB) translations. Don’t know where exactly to start? I’d be more than happy to help you with that.
If you are feeling like you’re overwhelmed and can’t even bear to get through the day, I’ve been right there, too. I know exactly what it feels like. Anxiety, insomnia, and depression have all been too close for comfort these last few years. They were suffocating me when they first arrived, and even though they sometimes make appearances, they’re now much more manageable. I do my best to not let them take over me like they did at first. I attribute reading my Bible, getting to know God more deeply, and listening to worship music as my biggest helpers.
So, where IS God in my pain? I will answer that question with a Bible verse, because the Bible is either true or it’s not, right? I chose to believe the former, and because of that, I am a walking testimony of someone who has been rescued, redeemed, and healed by my God.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, ESV)
He’s never once left your side, and He will never forsake you.