I’m just going to cut right to it: my pregnancy after loss experience was a legitimately terrifying and crazy emotional roller coaster. When I was pregnant with my son, Seth, I don’t think I’ve ever prayed more consistently for anyone or anything in my entire life. The thought of losing another baby was like a sucker punch to the gut every time that I thought about it. The only thing that could calm down all of my emotions and anxiety that were constantly screaming at me was prayer and talking with God.
Now, stick with me here, and don’t roll your eyes if you think that what I just said sounds “cliche”. I don’t have all of the answers to life’s mysterious questions, one being, “Why does God allow such terrible things to happen in the world?” I don’t know. But what I can tell you with absolute certainty is that having a relationship with God was the one and only thing that got me through my time of deep grief of the loss of my first son, Aaron.
Let me paint a scenario for you: when you go through a hard time in your life, aren’t there usually one or two friends or family members that usually rise up and help you get through it? (I truly hope that the answer here is “yes”). Whether it be through emotional support, physically helping you with things that need to be done, just being with you so you know you’re safe when you seem like you’re being tossed around in life’s unpredictable waves.
Enter: Jesus.
He was (and is) all of those things for me, plus so much more. I talk with Him and He hears me and answers the deepest desires of my heart. The crazy thing about Jesus is that He desires to be in relationship with me, too. He likes spending time with me. Even if I’m a hot mess of emotions and can’t deal with anything anymore, He doesn’t care. He’s the greatest best friend that I’ve ever had. And that is what I want for Seth to desire: a relationship with the Lord where he knows that he is loved by the One who created him, and that he can grow up being so secure in that fact.
When I put Seth down for bed at night, we have a routine of things that we do together that I really love. We’ll brush our teeth, give loves to Daddy, and then we’ll go in his room and sit in the rocking chair and sing some songs. The first ones are silly and fun, like “I Love You, You Love Me” (from Barney) or “You Are My Sunshine”, or- our rendition- “You Are My Sethy”, and then I’ll always end our night by singing “Jesus Loves Me” and praying over my baby boy.
We start by thanking God for the day that He has given us, and thank Him that we were able to do some fun things and/or see some of our friends that day. I always pray for Seth’s safety while he’s sleeping (I think it’s a mama thing: that we are concerned and thinking about our babies, even while they’re sleeping). I do my best not to worry about him, but I do check and make sure that he’s breathing before I go to bed. I love praying Bible scripture and truths over Seth, and some of the verses that I’ve been praying lately are: that he would have a heart after God, even at a young age. That he would desire to obey Him and his ears would be open and heart softened to hear what the Lord would say to him.
That Seth would have a heart like David’s, who was called a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14; Acts 13:22), and that he would have a compassionate heart for others around him, and that Seth would seek after the Lord all the days of his life.
As I put him in his crib, I remind him of these truths: God will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), that He is right here with you all night long and He is singing over you (Zephaniah 3:17), and that it is God’s delight to give His beloved rest (Psalm 127:2) and peaceful sleep. Even if he’s too young to understand them right now, I feel like there’s still something that happens when you speak life and truth into your kids and over them as well.
Our words are so much more powerful than we think they are. I’ve been praying for my son since he was in my womb and will continue to do so for as long as I’m on this Earth. The best shot that I have for raising good children is by praying for them and asking the Lord to guide me as I continue through this unpredictable, yet incredible, journey called Motherhood.