I really don’t want to write this post. I truly don’t. I’m really mad and heartbroken and I can’t believe that all of these feelings are coming up right now. I just found a picture from my first Mother’s Day and the emotions are still so raw. I’m so mad that my baby’s not here with me right now. He and his brother would be sleeping in the next room together right now, snuggling their stuffed animals as they sweetly slumber. But here I am, the mother of two children, but I am only able to physically hold and love on one of my boys.
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I’m a firm believer that the moment that moment you become pregnant, you become a mother. It confuses me that women celebrate their first Mother’s Day after their baby has been born. When you’re carrying your precious child inside of you for nine months, you are a mother.
My first Mother’s Day was blissful. I had just celebrated my 24th birthday that week and then on the weekend got to celebrate something completely new to me: being a mom. Here I am with one of the very first things that we received for our baby, a cute little onesie. At this time I was only maybe 14 or 15 weeks along, so we didn’t know yet that we would be having a son.
We had a yummy cake to celebrate and that was that. So peaceful and so full of joy. I anticipated the rest of my Mother’s Days to be just as wonderful as this one was. The thing I didn’t anticipate was losing my son in my womb five months later.
It’s been three years since that first Mother’s Day, and since then, this holiday has been filled with much sorrow and grief, all mixed in with thankfulness and joy. It’s difficult to navigate through all of the emotions that come flying my way on this day. Since 2015, when I was pregnant with Seth, we have celebrated Mother’s Day with Aaron by visiting him at the cemetery. No mother should ever have to celebrate anything at a cemetery, let alone visit the baby that made her a mother in the first place.
While I’m still walking through the middle of this annual storm of emotions and don’t have everything all figured out yet (I doubt I ever will), I want to encourage those moms out there who are reading this post who find themselves in a similar position that I am. The first Mother’s Day after your baby has gone to Heaven is the worst. Nothing hurts quite like it. I pray that the following years for you will start to hurt less and less. Embrace the love and support that is around you from friends and family and soak all of it up. If you need to be by yourself for a little bit, then just do it. When I feel the deep emotions start to come up, some things that I try to do to make me feel peaceful again are turning on my favorite song, praying, writing, painting, taking a nap. In those moments of expressing myself through these outlets, I can start to feel healing.
This year on Mother’s Day, I will yet again be celebrating by visiting my firstborn where he is laid to rest. It’s never easy walking from the car to where his little headstone is, and no matter how many times I see it, it still makes me feel ill. I miss him so terribly much.
Aaron Lawrence, thank you for making me a mommy. I often imagine you playing with Seth and you being an amazing big brother, so calm and collected to his wild and crazy. He will always know about you and we will always celebrate your life. I love you, son.
