We lost Aaron in October of 2014 and I went back to work in January of 2015. Thinking back on that now, it was absolutely crazy for me to do that, but I had no other choice. I cannot even gather enough words together to say how thankful I am from the bottom of my heart for my manager and my coworkers at the time. Every single one of them went above and beyond to show me their sincere love and full support. I’m actually crying right now thinking about it. They showed me what it looks like to be a true friend.
I can recall a certain incident on my first day back at work. I worked at a coffee shop at the time. A regular customer came in and ordered his normal drink, and I was on bar making it for him. He asked me how I was after having my baby and, not wanting to share my entire life’s story with him, replied, “I’m fine.” He pried: “How’s the baby?”
“Good”, I said. At this point, I was incredibly livid. I imagined myself reaching over the beverage bar and decking him a good one in the face, but refrained as I needed to keep my job.
He gave me a very perplexed look and said, “Well, it’s not like you can return him now!”
In a perfect world where nothing bad ever happens to anyone, this may be a cutesy thing to say and we would all giggle and move on with our day. But in the real world, where bad things do happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to explain it away, this felt like a knife wringing itself into my gut. The Mama Bear part of me started to come out of its shell, and I wanted to scream at him, “How dare you say that about my baby! You have no idea the hell I’ve been through in the last three months. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to protect my baby, even die for him.”
Let me just take a minute to pause here and say this: whenever someone you know, whether a mother or a father, has just had a baby, there’s no need to be a smart alek or say something witty. All that really needs to be said is a sincere congratulations. I feel very strongly about this because there really is no way to know if a family has previously lost a child. I just personally think it’s better to be safe than to be sorry that you said something. In this situation with this customer, I’m so glad that my coworker heard what was going on and rushed over to cover for me. I literally had to run away from the situation and go in the back break room and sob. I could write a book about the exchanges I’ve had with people, which include but are not limited to the following:
“Aww honey, everything happens for a reason.” - Complete stranger, 2 weeks after Aaron’s birthday
“Oh! How far along are you?!” - I got this one a few times while I was still at work. I’m NOT pregnant, I’m just severely depressed, eating whatever the heck I want to, and I have a postpartum body, thank you very much.
Perhaps the worst exchange, which I received the most, was when I went back to work and my friendly regular customers didn’t know what had happened to Aaron. They would ask me, “So, how’s the baby?! How old is he now?” Every. single. time. it left me stunned. I didn’t have any words to say. I had to count in my head how old he would be at that moment if he were still alive. I tried my best to play it off, “Oh, he’d be 6 months right now”, hoping that they’d hear the pain in my voice and just take their mocha and go away. Some heard it, but a few persisted to ask more questions. Those were the days that I would come home and weep. No mother should ever have to go through that.
As horrible as that situation was for me, I have had some instances that are the complete polar opposite. They’ve been so comforting and full of peace that they nearly heal the scars that the bad situations have left me with. The morning after I delivered Aaron, I received a phone call from one of my pastors asking me how I was doing. Like how I was truly and truthfully doing. He wasn’t interested in spouting off platitudes just to make himself more comfortable, but his genuine care and concern for people is something that will always stick with me. We cried together over the phone, and then he prayed for me. This same pastor and his wife drove over an hour (one way) to attend Aaron’s memorial service just a few days later to show us their support. THIS is the kind of love that people who have recently lost a loved one crave, not some happy, sappy, feel-good saying like “everything happens for a reason.” (Please, PLEASE don’t ever say this to me.)
I guess the point that I’m trying to get at is that if you have someone in your life who has lost someone, whether a child, a parent, a sibling, don’t be afraid to show them that you truly care. Send them a thoughtful card, cook them a nice dinner (or pizza) and take it over to them, offer to clean their house and follow through with it. Even if it’s been a few months, or years, since this person has passed, please acknowledge them to the one who is still grieving their loss. When friends and family acknowledge Aaron and say his name, my heart skips a beat every time. It’s the little things that you probably wouldn’t think of that mean the world to those in grief. Being intentional with showing love may be uncomfortable at first, but I can promise you that in the long run, you are going to feel just as blessed, if not more, than the person at the receiving end of things.
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.” (John 15:13)
(To be continued … )